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Yes, it’s finally here. The ultimate flirting guide. And we are proud of it! In this article you are going to learn everything about flirting that you have never read before.
After this article you will know exactly:
- The #1 essential element of flirting. Without it you will never become good.
- The TPH formula for flirting
- De 3 ingredients of attraction that will make you irresistible
- Why enjoyable conversations kill your success
- How to pick up women everywhere (online, throughout the day, at the club, on the train, etc.)
- Ingredients of attraction between men and women
- How to Flirt: The #1 Basic principle
- Flirting with your body language
- 6 tips for the right flirting mentality
- Flirting on the train
- Flirting at work
- Flirting at school
- Increasing your flirting success rate
- Flirting tips from a woman
- Are flirting tips for men only? Or for women too?
Ingredients of attraction between men and women
To be successful with a woman, no matter if it is at a bar, through an association or through a group of friends, there are a couple of things you need to understand. There are a few ingredients you need in order to become really successful with women, and to not leave it up to chance anymore.
Success = Attraction (Masculinity x Flirting) + Connection
In turn, attraction consists of:
Leading attitude and dominance. Not just being reactive to her. You are the stable tree that she can hop around like a little squirrel.
How to Flirt: The #1 Basic principle
Okay, now we are really going down the rabbit hole. How do you flirt? First, let’s take a look at what normal conversations often look like. The man speaks to her and unleashes a barrage of questions on her... Where are you from? Where do you work? What are your hobbies? Do you have any siblings?
The problem with all of those questions is that you are simply exchanging some information. That’s BORING. That way, she will never feel attracted to you!
The answer to this is in the last sentence. FEELING attracted to someone. Exactly: you want to make her feel something, to give her some emotions, instead of just rationally exchanging information.
A woman wants to experience emotions with you… THAT is where attraction is.
The number one flirting method for that is being PLAYFUL. You want to play with her a little, and make her play with you as well. It creates a positive tension. This ‘game’ and the tension are amazingly attractive.
The problem is that we have often learned that tension is wrong. We want to be sweet and nice and, above all, we want to avoid any kind of tension. After all, tension is ‘bad’. When you are going to use the tips that I am about to give you, you will probably think: “Oh no, I don’t want to create any tension, I want to be sweet and nice”. However, there is also a positive, attractive kind of tension. The thing is, we were never taught that it exists ;)
I challenge you to try it yourself and to experience how awesome flirting is!
Here, as an example, you see a video of Dan with a girl he picked up, analyzing how exactly that went down. It is drenched in playfulness.
Tips to flirt: The TPH formula
I can see you think: “Okay, great, being playful and creating tension... but how do I do that?” You’re in luck, I am going to tell you right now!
As a handy tool for flirting we have developed the TPH method.
Continually think about whether what you are saying belongs to one or more of those labels. Doesn’t it? Then you are not flirting.
Humor is the most accessible of the three for most people. The other two, teasing and provoking, create the tension we were talking about earlier.
For example, what you can do is use things you get to know about her to tease her:
“Oh, so you’re a lawyer? Right, so someone who likes to keep the criminals on the streets, that’s great!”
Essential to this is that you always smile while saying it. That indicates that you are flirting instead of being serious, and you are not just a douchebag.
Another method is to consciously make an incorrect statement about her to tease her. Imagine she is a typical city girl, then you can say:
“I think you’re actually from a small farming village somewhere in the eastern part of the country... You’re just such a cute little farmer girl...”
Once again, say it with a big smile. What happens after that? She will probably reply with something fun that will raise the tension even higher. And THAT is what we call flirting. You tease her and provocate her to react to it.
Keep the tension up. Sometimes you can feel that the tension only ramps up when you are firing all kinds of clever remarks back and forth. You feel the strong need to ‘kill’ the tension, for example by laughing (hahaha) or saying it was a joke. DO NOT GIVE IN! Ideally, you want HER to break the tension first, because as a man you should be able to handle the tension better than her. That will earn you some bonus points.
Flirty lines that make the difference
We all know the cheesy pick-up lines “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, and other terrible flirty lines like “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”. However, in the next few minutes, you will read what you really do have to say to catch that girl.
Are you ready for it? Here comes an insight that will blow your mind:
What you say is not nearly as important as you think. It’s about how you say it and what you communicate to her nonverbally. Pick-up lines are not important! The text you say out loud is just 8% of all communication, and especially women are very good at picking up the other, nonverbal, communication.
A woman looks at the conversation’s energy and playfulness, not the exact contents.
That means that in theory, you can say ANYTHING to her as long as you do it with the right tone and paired with the right nonverbal communication.
As some proof, you can see Dan do it in the following two videos:
By the way, even if you do have a brilliant pick-up line you are not going to make it without the right delivery. Don’t focus on the lines, focus on your own vibe and energy!
The number one tip I can give you for that is:
Make sure that everything you say and do is especially cool and funny to YOURSELF and say it because of that. If you go around saying and doing all kinds of things just to leave an impression on her, the odds are big that none of that really reaches her.
Flirty texts for when you message her
Okay, you have her number… What do I do now? How do you keep her warm until the following date? Or maybe you already have a girlfriend, but you want to keep it warm using the flirty texts you send her?
This is about emotion too. Do you cause an emotional response in her? Or does it stay boring and superficial? The standard question you can ask yourself with every message you write is: “Does this make her smile?”. If not, you should send something else!
Because you can’t show any nonverbal communication in your text messages, you use the winky face and the little tongue to show whether or not a line is just for teasing or provoking.
Notice the difference:
“I bet you’re just a farmer girl that is milking cows all day long.”
“I bet you’re just a farmer girl that is milking cows all day long ;)”
The winky face directly changes the tone that she reads your message in.
Online Flirting with Tinder or dating sites
Maybe you are on Tinder or a dating site. Or maybe you are friends with her on Facebook and you ask yourself how you should flirt with her online.
The big difference with flirting on Whatsapp (like you could read above) is that often, you have never met her yet. You are starting right at the beginning when it comes to making her interested. So many guys that contact her and you have to make her like you, of all of those people.
How do you do that, flirting online?
By asking yourself with everything you say: Would every average guy say this? If so, then don’t say it! Also, the rule that it has to make her smile still counts.
Flirting with your body language
We always communicate something, even if we don’t say anything at all. Here are three tips to get your body language under control and to flirt with it.
Tip 1: Learn to communicate with your body
Learn how to communicate what you want to communicate. In other words: how to be more attractive than any other man without really saying anything. This is also called subcommunication, the communication that takes place on a very primary level: through body language.
Because this communication is on a primary level like that, it is also very hard to fool someone with it. Women can make split-second decisions based on a first impression of someone. Faking it is going to be hard. However, it is something that you can get better at. Tip number one is being conscious of what you communicate. Look in the mirror more often, or even in the window of a shop. Ask others.
Tip 2: Discover the difference between handsome and sexy
There is a difference between a handsome man and a sexy man. This is mostly communicated through his body language: his looks. A lot of women choose a sexy man over a pretty boy, a man with the looks of a model without being sexy. So how does that work, a look like that? That has everything to do with how the man uses his body.
If you are feeling good you ‘carry’ your body in a different way. You posture is right, everything in one line. That may sound like something small, but it speaks volumes to a woman. For example, if your body is in a straight line and upright, you can breathe better – deeper. Tip number two is to stand upright more and to breathe deeper. If you need to, pretend you need to carry a book on top of your head.
When you breathe deeper you become more at ease, you think more clearly and you can react to your surroundings better. Regular exercise – like yoga and power training – force you to improve your posture.
Tip 3: Learn to communicate with confidence
You are in the here and now. You show that you do not steer clear of other (alpha) men. You don’t hide, but you are confident that you can handle whatever comes your way. You show that you have control over yourself and the situation you are in. The body language that communicates this is: feet and shoulders lined up, head up and chest out (without overdoing it).
Intense eye contact and touching often happen in an authoritarian way, like little slaps on someone else’s shoulder, chest, neck and face. Make sure that your movements are clear and purposeful. Your head is up and you express that you know where you want to go. You don’t shuffle around, you walk with a certain swing to it.
Your posture is one of sharing good energy. You try to make everyone feel good so that you leave behind a track of happy and smiling people. When you do this, you will start noticing that women are much more eager to flirt with you.
You can see here how Dan gets some phone numbers (and even kisses women0 without ever talking. Only by flirting with body language.
6 tips for the right flirting mentality
Flirting does not have to be sexual all the time (for the sick minds among us). However, due to all kinds of negative conditioning, it seems that we have forgotten how to flirt.
Some people think flirting is something you only do at a bar or a pub. That is nowhere near the truth. You can flirt everywhere. Every time you meet people, you can flirt.
Here are 6 tips to give your flirting mentality a big boost.
Tip # 1: Flirten is giving, not taking
When your attitude is one of giving without expecting anything in return, you will have a lot more fun flirting.
That’s also true for the one you are flirting with, by the way! See it as a gift, something that cheers other people up, positive energy that is being passed around.
Tip # 2: Watch the reaction
If others do not cheer up, in whatever way possible, from your flirty behaviour, then it is not a flirt! The reaction is a mirror for your behaviour.
If the other person reacts in a reserved way, that means you might have expected something back. In that case your flirt, or your gift, was not unconditional.
If there is a condition attached to a gift, it is not really a gift anymore. It is more of a transaction disguised as a gift, and most people are not in the mood for something like that.
Flirting needs to lead to a smile, to happiness, to happy faces.
Tip # 3: You flirt for yourself
You flirt because YOU like to do it. Of course you want everyone to take it the right way. You will probably be misunderstood every once in a while.
However, in the big picture most people will react positively (if not, you might want to change your surroundings).
In turn, that will influence the feelings you have about yourself and about life. You will radiate a certain kind of warmth, and it will make you see yourself as and feel like a warm person.
Tip # 4: Flirting is attractive
Flirting expresses cheerfulness, being comfortable in your own skin, having guts and a positive kind of indifference. Above all, it expresses how spontaneous you are. It shows that you know what life is all about: relationships.
People who get what it’s all about, that people are more important than things or work, are happier as well. Apparently, we were made that way. In any case, we all (everyone – without exception!) want human contact and warmth.
Also, people who are happier have a lot more to give to others. They are more generous and more positive.
It is common knowledge from the social sciences that people who live longer (and more healthy) than average have a closely-knit and warm community around them.
Tip # 5: Flirting gets you more friends
An attractive man has an attractive life. Friends are part of that (if you ask me). You don’t only want male friends either. You also want female friends, for multiple reasons.
Female friends give you some things that male friends are not able to give you (and thank god for that).
For example, it is very hard to really feel women if you do not have any female friends. Also, going out is very different when you do it with a female friend (who is attractive).
Tip # 6: Flirting makes you capable
If you focus on something you will get better at it, period. The more you do it, the more comfortable you become and the more you are going to play with all your flirting weapons. Your voice, your smile, your gaze, etc.
Often, if you get better at something, it will become more fun as well. You will meet more women, you will get into more adventures, and you will keep learning more. That also goes for your job, for flirting in professional circles.
It is common knowledge that in almost all cases, your ability to interact with people is the most important factor in how steep the career ladder will be for you.
Flirting on the train
A train station is like a transit port. People go there to travel from point A to point B, score a cup of coffee at most, but spending as little time as possible there. Unlike the streets where some people just wander around, people who use the public transport always have a destination: lectures, work, home, family, etcetera. That is what’s on their mind, and the external chaos of the train station – the crowdedness and the noise – only strengthen that. As a man, it is up to you to get her attention. It is very important that she already sees you when you start talking to her by standing in front of her and being loud. Assume that she wants to keep walking because she needs to go somewhere, so be dominant in stopping her. Keep it short after that, she wants to move on. Ask her what she is up to so you know how much time you have, interact with her for a short while, and quickly get her number.
Flirting at work
If you are going to flirt at work, you will want to be a bit more cautious than at a bar or on the streets. Not all your colleagues have to know, and it even brings an extra element of tension to the table if you manage to keep it a secret from your department. Make sure that you take it step by step if you start flirting with a colleague. A good test is to touch. If the other person does not flinch or recoil, you know you are doing something right.
Don’t have lunch for ages with the one you like. Just make sure you get her number and then try to arrange something outside of work. If possible, travel together when you go home. Definitely do not hit on her while you are on a business trip or at a Friday afternoon drink at work. Not only will you cause trouble for yourself and your boss, the same goes for the person you are in love with.
The best tip of all: Flirt with everybody! Like you read earlier, flirting is a life skill that you can use all the time and everywhere. Make it your personality. You are that flirty guy.
This way, it will become easier to flirt more with one lady without it being weird or standing out too much.
Flirting at school
So you want to flirt with a cute girl at school? One of the most important pitfalls is that you give her too much attention and that you go over and stand with her too much. The advantage of flirting at school is that you will see her a lot. That means you will have to plant a seed that will grow bigger and bigger over time.
You can flirt at school by giving her a flirty little compliment every once in a while, or by talking with her for a very short while and then walking off immediately. This expresses that you are not needy. Do it full of confidence. She will think: damn, this boy is great!
When you are flirting at school, it is of great importance that you make sure she sees you as a potential boyfriend, rather than just an ordinary friend. Flirting is a very important key in accomplishing that. Masculinity and a leading attitude or two more. Try ‘dragging’ her to a spot in the cantine. You are the masculine leader.
Increasing your flirting success rate
Successful flirts are a coincidence?
Maybe you know how this feels. The first night you are successful with women and the other night you are not, even though you really are the same person. Or aren’t you? I sometimes ask myself that question, because as you know I am taking the art of flirting pretty ‘seriously’ ;-) Seriously, the one night I go right through the roof and the other nights I don’t get anything done.
Even worse. I don’t even enjoy those nights. I even get these ideas in my head that I might have been better off staying home. Pretty weird, actually. One night you are great, totally ‘on’, and the next night you fail miserably. And then you start labelling yourself as a ‘failure’.
And that, my dear friends, is what I want to talk out of your head with this blog: that you will ever label yourself and start believing you can’t do it. Instead, I am going to teach you how to always keep going, no matter how hard it sometimes is.
“Some nights I have it and some nights I don’t”
Why does this happen, what is going on – that you have it one night and are completely ‘out of shape’ the next? If you try to create some distance and look at the situation objectively, what do you do differently on the nights that you are knocking it out of the park and the nights you can’t make heads or tails?
When you do that, my friend, you will see that the following makes the difference:
- You are clear on what your goal is, why you are going out that night.
- You have positive expectations.
- This makes you see all the great people who are walking around there.
Actually, the answer is really simple: it has to do with.... tadah..... here it comes..... your..... focus!
You have taken the lead on what you are aiming for. On your own thoughts. This alone, having control over this, will get you in a good state of mind. And then, by only seeing positive things, you will get into an amazing state of mind. You want to to-ta-lly let GO!!
Therefore, it all starts with the question: with what purpose are you going out that night?
Analysing your best nights
Even if you are in a super fun state of mind, still make sure that you are completely in the moment. You are fully present, right there, at that specific moment in time. You have found peace in yourself. You can think clearly again. How you are totally having fun. I can imagine that all of this could sound really abstract and vague.
That’s why I have an assignment for you. Analyse your best nights and try to find out why you were totally ‘on’.
Write down everything, as many reasons as possible, that you think contributed to it.
If I look at myself I know exactly why it happens. My best nights happen because I am so focused that I know exactly how I am going to behave and how I have to feel to get results. When I say ‘behaving’, I mean what kind of energy I surround myself with, what kind of vibe I express.
I am therefore 100% conscious of what energy I project! If I say hi to someone, how do I talk? What kind of tone do I use? Do I talk about serious subjects or am I playful? Am I boring or am I having a lot of fun because of what I am talking about?
Flirting and feeling free: a visualisation exercise
I achieved most of my successes by feeling super free those nights. Free like a child, playful but with a sexual hint when it comes to reaching my goal. That means that I express that I am sexually interested in her without being ashamed of it.
My focus before going out is on being playful and innocent in the way I act, I have an energy in my body that is fully positive. However, I do have very clear sexual intentions and I am shameless in that regard.
Finding that balance is not always easy, and to help you do that I am going to help you find your way with a visualisation exercise.
You walk into the club and walk up to the most beautiful women you see. Every time you start talking to a woman, you ask yourself: how should I feel right now? What kind of focus do I need? A playful vibe, an innocent vibe! See yourself like that and know exactly how you are going to feel, how you are going to behave. With that playful, innocent, positive, sexually shameless vibe!
The right flirt focus
If you start doing this you will get a focus that is super powerful. As soon as you have that focus, you need to keep it up until the end of the night. You have to be focused on yourself, on how you behave and how you feel all night long. After that, it’s a matter of practice, practice, practice. Keep going, keep going, keep going.
If you do that, this focus will increase your success rate dramatically. If you do not have a goal, and you don’t know how you should feel and how you should act to pick up women – and you only hope that you will get ahold of the right vibe – then, my friend, you are out of luck!
Then it is just like gambling: you have no idea when you are going to win. However, if you go in with the right attitude, and you make sure you have the right focus – and you behave yourself like that for the entire night, you will see that you will achieve success more often and more consistently than you would have ever thought was possible. Go do this shit!
Flirting tips from a woman
Finally, just for you I have asked a friend of mine, Roos, to give some flirting tips that she would give every man. Roos is a psychologist who specialises in dating and relationships.
Here she goes:
To us, women, nothing is more unattractive than an insecure man. A man who is insecure actually can’t really flirt, simply because we do not fall for insecure men. Seriously, even if you don’t have a tight sixpack, or you have a receding hairline and too many wrinkles; a woman gladly looks through that. Go fight your insecurity and you will definitely notice the difference.
Practicing flirting at home
Yes….everything can be learned. So just to be sure: go stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. What do you see? Try to notice the positive things and ignore the negative ones. Do you have beautiful blue eyes? A broad jawline? Pay attention to it and try to list 5 things you like about yourself. Repeat this two times a day over the course of a few weeks. You will notice that you will start looking at yourself more positively!
Oh, and shhh... a little secret; women also practice their prettiest expression in front of the mirror (at least I do).
Practicing flirting in the wild
Look at it as a challenge. Take a random tram/bus or train. Do you see a girl that you feel something for? Optionally: If you don’t want to make it too hard for yourself, don’t pick a girl you find too attractive. This is to prevent you from getting the feeling that you are ‘not good enough for her’ (you’ll want to get rid of that anyway, but just start with a woman you don’t feel insecure with).
Go sit across from her, or at least somewhere that allows you to make eye contact. Start practicing. Don’t stare at her like a zombie, just lay your eyes on her every once in a while, and don’t do it for too long. If she looks back, smile a little but not too much. As soon as you have made eye contact, get off at the next stop. If you get off the bus or train you greet her with a little nod or a ‘hi’. I bet you will get out of there with a great feeling.
Flirting with self-mockery
Imagine you have ended up in a situation that you are already talking to a beautiful lady. You can feel yourself becoming red as a lobster, or you suddenly notice you have run out of words or you are just stumbling over them. You can feel in everything around you that you are going to ruin this conversation completely and it is going end very badly.
Then do the polar opposite and just ridicule yourself! ‘Gee, look at me stammering!” Women think mocking yourself is almost as attractive as confidence (don’t overdo it, though).
Just start laughing while keeping eye contact. Say that you are ruining it bigtime and that it is a regular occurrence. With a smile! Don’t say clichéd things like ‘I’m just distracted by you’, this will only end well if you are pretty confident this is going to work.
In conclusion, laugh at yourself, say you don’t know anymore and then ask her a question so you can recover. Another advantage: you will come off as interested, something women also value a lot.
Flirting with yourself
Learn how to be yourself. Don’t adapt to your friends and don’t make yourself invisible. The more you are being yourself, the higher the amount of women who will fall for you. Nobody falls for fake and authentic people are always attractive! Therefore, if you walk into a party, don’t dissolve into your group of friends with a bottle of beer, walk around the room and introduce yourself to the ladies. That’s what we are into ;-)
Are flirting tips for men only? Or for women too?
Are these flirting tips for men only? NO! As AttractionGym we specialise in coaching men. We help men to get better with women and their love life. However, flirting is a universal skill.
That makes this article useful for men as well as women!
In fact, flirting is not even restricted to the dating scene. Maybe you know some men who are loved by everyone. Not only by women, but especially also by other men. Or people who are very successful, for example in sales.
Often, this is because these people have made flirting their standard mode.
Here comes the first important insight for you: Often flirting is viewed as a tool that you use every once in a while. However, really successful guys make flirting their lifestyle. Their standard modus operandi.
Instead of superficial connection-building conversations, having attraction-building conversations. They flirt with every- and anyone! Grandma's, busdrivers, ... anyone.
Why? Cause they people deserve it too. And because my friend, thát is how you build an attractive habit - so that when you need it, it's there ;-).
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