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In this article you will learn why you're in the friend zone and how to get out of the friend zone to never enter it again.Table of contents:
- In Love: When you're in the friend zone
- Nice guys finish last
- The Ladder Theory
- The 5 reasons why you're in the friend zone
- The nice guy syndrome
- Does this mean I should act like an asshole from now on?
- How to get out of the friend zone
In Love: When you're in the friend zone
I was 16, and my social world consisted largely of one friend, Alpha Arie, who I drank beers with every weekend. The rest of the time I spent at the computer.
Until one day I got a message on a chat site from a girl from Groningen. Let's call her Friend-Zone Floortje (I’m sure you can figure out why that was her nickname). We talk and it clicks.
She invites me to go to the gig of a band who are friends of hers. I agree and of course I take Alpha Arie along to join us. Why I ever did that, god knows.
What followed was a period of months in which I saw the girl a few times a week. We had great fun together, watched movies, hung around and we often went out, the three of us. It was the first girl I went out with, and I was of course infatuated with her.
I was convinced that she liked me. After all, we had so much fun together and why else was she with me so much. She even touched me sometimes! The magic moment must happen when we can find some place private, and that would probably not be much longer.
However New Year's Eve 2001 forever burned a scar in my soul. The first layer of innocence was torn from me.
Alpha Arie and I celebrated the evening with Friend-Zone Floortje in her sister’s home. Alpha Arie had less contact with Floortje than me, but I knew they coincidentally had been out one time when I was sick one month ago.
Suddenly her little sister began, "Well, I do not know what's happened recently when Alpha Arie stayed here to sleep, but they made quite some noise in her room". When she said that, my heart stopped beating.
Outwardly I was unmoved, but when I got the chance I took Floortje aside. "What is your sister talking about?" She told me that Alpha Arie and her had had sex and that they sort of were seeing each other. Me, she viewed more as a very good friend, she added.
That was the first time in my life that I really felt this terrible hurt that only a girl can give you. I was completely clueless what had happened. Alpha Arie was an asshole, to say the least. But how could she, we had so much together...
To make things worse, when I got home I received a message from her: "Maybe it's good if we don’t see each other for a while". The next month, I sat alone at home every weekend (or at least, with my parents, but that is about the same).While Alpha Arie ‘chilled’ with Friend-Zone Floortje.
After a month Floortje contacted me. She had broken her arm. She had to stay at home all day and was sad. I suggested that I come over and watch a movie together. To this day, I am still ashamed of my next move, and I still do not understand WHY I sank so deeply J.
Instead of a fruit basket for her broken arm, I decided to bring a box of chocolate hearts and a marzipan rose for her.
You guessed it, the next day I received an email that it was perhaps better not to see each other for a while ...
Yes, this is how deep one can be in the friend zone.
Nice guys finish last
Unfortunately, it then took me another year (or 5) before I realized what I was doing wrong.
The misconception for all the nice guys out there is this:
If I am kind, sweet and helpful to a woman and basically do anything for her, then she will naturally quite like me. Right?
What more could she want! Unfortunately my friend: you officially have the Nice Guy Syndrome.
And don’t blame yourself for thinking like this. It not only men who think like that. Even women themselves often have this thought in their heads:
"I just want a sweet guy who is there for me..”
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) attraction is not the result of our rational thinking. Attraction works on a much deeper level and therefore women often fall for the bad guy.
And then go home to cry on the shoulder of their friend zoned BMF (Best Male Friend): "You're so nice and sweet. One day you are going to make a very special girl very happy." Did you ever get that? Ouch!
In Western Europe, the influence of the mother's is often much bigger than that of the father. Most guys lacks some serious education about how to deal with women.
The only references they have they got from their mother and the Hollywood image of the romantic kind man. The Disney prince, who all women automatically fall in love with. "You should treat a woman with respect. Be kind to her" is often pretty much the only thing that we have heard as a man growing up.
The Ladder Theory
What we men often don’t understand is why women often spend so much time with us, even being very touchy-feely ... After all, we will only spend this much time with a woman when we want something from them, right?
To gain a understanding, let talk about the ladder theory.
Men use a mental ladder on which they place all women they fancy, and it’s largely based on appearance. Obviously the higher a woman is on this imaginary ladder, the more we would like to have sex with her. At the bottom of the ladder are the women who we do not find attractive and therefore will not give much attention to.
Women, however, have two ladders. One ladder with men they would possibly want to have sex with. And a second ladder, the friend ladder, on which they place the men who she simply views as a friend.
The higher a man is on the friends ladder is more intimate and touchy she is with you.
Chances are if you are the guy at the top of that ladder, you think you are doing a super good job and that sex is just around the corner. Bummer, but that’s not the case. Changing between the two ladders is virtually IMPOSSIBLE. A deep and dark gap lies between the two ladders, which makes hopping virtually impossible.
The only way to go from the ‘friends-ladder’ to ‘would-fuck-ladder’, is to first climb off the friends ladder, all the way the bottom. To then slowly climb the other ladder .
Just realized you are the wrong ladder? I’m sorry bro, I know that sucks big time.
The simple explanation for this is that evolution is our friend (or enemy, if you will).
As a caveman you wanted to fertilize to spread your DNA to as many women as you could. So every woman is pretty much a potential target. As a woman however, because you're nine months pregnant and afterwards needs to care for the child, you are ‘a bit’ more selective.
So when a woman is interested (in having kids with) one guy, she sees all the other guys simply as tribesmen. Who she deals with them like she does with all of her female friends.
The 5 reasons why you're in the friend zone
Here are some things you do wrong, and maybe do not even notice, why you are friend-zoned.
1. You don’t flirt with her
There are two essential ingredients needed for attraction. Namely connection and sexual tension. These two must be balanced to make sure she is attracted.
It’s safe to say you’ve got the connection part down, otherwise you wouldn’t be her Best FeMale Friend. Yep I wrote Female friend on purpose, cause she sees you in the same light as one of her girlfriends. So let’s move on to the second ingredient.
As coach Dan famously said "You want to give any emotion except boredom".
A woman is used to experiencing a huge range of emotions. She is not only able to feel these strong emotions, she actually quite enjoys feeling them. Emotions are her life elixir. Without emotions she feels empty, with them she feels full.
What do I mean by giving her emotions, how do you give her those? Exactly, by flirting with her! You might wonder how exactly to do that. But it’s actually not that complicated. Flirting is nothing more than teasing her a bit and challenging her while keeping a huge smile on your face.
Flirting creates this positive tension between the two of you which is very nice for the both of you. It might feel a bit uncomfortable at first and your impulse might be to get rid of the tension. Resist and keep this nice tension flowing between you and her, and you’ll discover that it’s awesome!
Also, do not be afraid to talk about sex. Women think about sex quite a lot, just like men do. So do make jokes about sexual topics, ask her about her sexual experience, etc.
"What is the most embarrassing sex story you have ever heard? I got a good one, listen to this…”
"Out of curiosity. Would you rather be raped by a 70 year old guy, or rape a 7 year old boy yourself?” (Note: this one is a bit more tricky – you have to be a bit more advanced to pull this one off)
2. You're not being physical
Make sure you are physical with her. The longer you keep a physical distance, the more difficult it gets to become more physical later on. In addition, by being physical she can literally FEEL more.
Put your hand on her shoulder when you talk to her, give her a nudge when she is a brat, touch her on the arm when you say something. Or if she is walking next to you and you guys laugh, embrace her from the side and pull her towards you.
All very innocent, but it makes all the difference between being friendly and being attracted.
3. You're not acting like a real man, Lead her!
She wants to feel like a woman in your presence. And that can only happen if you act like a man! The number one characteristic that you want to demonstrate is that you're not afraid to guide her like a boss. Cause you are the boss! Ok, without going overboard of course.
Act not like you’re impressed with everything she says. Don’t like everything she likes. And do not always ask her opinion to make a decision. Take initiative in all areas where you can. Take the lead whenever an opportunity arises.
For example, when you are dating her, just out of nowhere say, "9 pm at (name bar), see you there." Do not ask for her approval, just assume it.
If you walk into a bar decide where you will sit. If you are buying a glass of wine for her, simply get something for her. Tell her she will like it.
For many ‘recovering nice guys’ this probably sounds very direct but believe me, she loves dominant men! Her primal brain goes: finally a guy who know what he wants and goes for it. Finally a real man who draws her into his reality instead of a man who follows her around like a puppy.
4. You do not make your intentions clear
So you think it’s a smart move sneaky to stay under the radar so she’ll never has a chance to reject you and end up liking you? Think again! Don’t literally say you want to sleep with her (even though you can, once you’re more advanced).
But in any case, do not be afraid to show - how you hold her or by clearly flirting with her - that you like her and want her. There is nothing more attractive than a guy who knows what he wants.
5. You're too needy
But there is a difference between WANTING her and NEEDING her. When you need her (are needy) she senses it. If this is the case you’ll go out of your way to please her. Women have a sixth sense for this.
When a woman feels that you are very needy, it makes you as attractive as an Ugly Betty. Here's a perfect example of Austin Powers who clearly knows what he wants but also sub-communicates he doesn’t need anything. She can’t help to enjoy it, whether she tells you whether she doesn’t. Either way you will be able to tell.
The nice guy syndrome
In his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Robert Glover explains that the nice guy lives by three unspoken contracts:
- If I do well, then everyone will love me and like me. And people I long for will desire me.
- When I satisfy the needs of others without them asking me to, then they will also meet my needs without me having to ask them to
- If I do everything right, then I will have a problem free life
Nice guys have a strong desire for external validation from others and will go to great lengths to avoid conflicts.
Once you recognize these tendencies within yourself, you can start to shift your focus. Only then can you can begin to look within yourself for validation. Only then can you get to the realization that you don’t need external validation.
Does this mean I should act like an asshole from now on?
When I first recognized my own nice-guy behavior that I had developed from an early age, I went through a rough time. At first I was in denial that I had to say goodbye to my old friend, the inauthentic nice guy.
Then there was a period that I was angry. I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THOSE JERKS. I don’t want to be a jerk or bad-boy. If I have to be someone I’m not, then I rather stay single. I didn’t want to throw my values overboard.
However, this is just flawed thinking. Because when we see the typical bad-boy having success with women it does not mean that she’s attracted to his because he treats her badly. She is attracted cause he shows that it knows what it means to act in a masculine way
A lot of flirtatious behavior, teasing her and busting her balls appears to many nice guys as rude and disrespectful. But just ask yourself the following question: If a woman likes it when a guy treats her like that, how can it be rude? Why don’t you just try it out and see what happens.
Yeah you can still be a gentleman, and be attractive. One you mastered the art of masculinity you can do sweet things for her. You can her feel special, and especially make her feel feminine by buying her a gift et cetera.
It’s just that she appreciates your inner-gentleman more if you also know how to be a real man that knows how to flirt with her. Once you've mastered that, feel free to:
- Keep the door open for her
- Pay on the first date
- Help her put her coat on
When you know how to be attractive, this is the icing on the cake. The criterion that makes the difference is that it has to come from a place of power instead of a place of weakness or neediness.
How to get out of the friend zone
Ok that all sounds good, but I’m stuck in the friend zone with a girl I really like. What can I do?! First, you want to gradually show the qualities that I mentioned in this article. She needs to see you as a sexworthy person - instead of a random (girl)friend.
You'll need to first take some distance and focus on your own process of growing as a person, and as a truly authentic masculine man. Then you'll probably need to flirt even harder with her than you would normally do with a woman to really show her this new, other side of you.
At first, she will still hold on to the old image of you. She still sees you as a good friend remember, and part of her wants to keep it that way. That part is probably afraid she will lose you as a friend.
And indeed, one possible consequence is that you're going to lose her as a friend. That’s exactly the risk you should be willing to take.
Another way is to break contact. Don’t see her for a couple of months. When you do see her again, make sure she sees the new you. Because some time has passed her mind is more open to the choice of which direction she wants to go with you. And who knows, it may just be that you're the lucky (smart) bastard that she feels attracted to.
Success with staying out of the friend zone forever!
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